Wouldn't it be fine if when we are confused and in doubt, we could reach over and turn on the light?
From a spiritual point of view, many of us hope that practicing healthy disciplines will illuminate our lives and our walk. When a spiritual leader fails, we may attribute it to lack of an inner life. For instance, some have suggested that David should have been at the front lines, fighting with his troops, when he made the poor choice that resulted in the death both of his son and of another man about which nothing bad is said--unless it was a failure for him to attend to his wife when he had the chance. Perhaps others would surmise that David had left behind the contemplative life reflected in the Psalms. Or maybe it was a mid-life crisis brought on by overactivity and years of crisis followed by a loss of meaningful activity--David, the overachiever, who had killed his 10,000s was now not even wanted at the front. (Maybe administrative work for a kingdom wasn't quite the same adrenaline rush?) One way or another, we're stuck with a drastic failure by the "man after the father's own heart." Followers like us have probably been pondering this ever since.
We do know what David says after he is confronted. In part, he wrote, "the sacrifices of [the master] are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O Master, you will not despise."
As I have returned to Taiwan, I have begun to hear two things clearly: a) some people have been offended by things I have said or done or reports of such things to the extent that they have lost trust in me as a counselor and an ambassador of reconciliation. b) my confidence is not in my own righteousness or hope of restoration, but rather in the same one that David trusted so long ago. I will be continuing to process this, to practice spiritual disciplines, to listen to those who would counsel me, and to seek mercy rather than justice.
At the same time, there are still things here for us to do and the last 2 weeks have been full of valuable times intermingled with the difficult discussions and a lot of disclosure of my situation to friends, coworkers, and clients who are affected by my challenges. The thing I come back to is that I am grateful for my Master, who has sustained us in so many ways and yet sustains us--not because of my worthiness, but because of his heart of mercy and grace. I also grieve for my own failures, whether I knew they were failures and acted wantonly or was unaware of my failures and acted in ignorance--and I'm sure I have done both. I am also grateful for the things that the master has worked together for good here in Taiwan, regardless of what is or is not ahead.
I've been asked by those in my mission who have confronted me to refrain from counseling. At the same time, I'm being asked to continue as director and clinical supervisor for the team at CCG. That makes for an interesting combination. Step by step. Was the light on and did it go off? Or was the light off and it came on? Or is that a really useless metaphor that just helped me to get started writing about some difficult times?
Anyway, thanks to all of you who are asking and all of you who are interceding for us. While we have some discouraging moments and a lot of questions, we also have times of peace and confidence that our trust is still where it needs to be, regardless of my or our effectiveness or spiritual performance. We definitely need to rest in the master's loving care, now and for a long time to come.
Here are a couple of the sayings that motivate me as I write, "Love does no wrong to a neighbor." "So then, let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual understanding."
Love in him who keeps us, Steve and Laura
PS TEAM Taiwan's ministry staff will be gathering this weekend to seek the master's direction in a time of vision building. Please keep us all in mind Friday through Monday.
Dr. Steve and Laura Spinella, Sarah, Joey, Robby
Da Yi Street, Lane 29, #18, 2F-1, Taichung 40454, TAIWAN
011.886.4.2236.6145, of 4.2236.1901, fx 4.2236.2109, cell 9.2894.0514
USA: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920, 719.528.1702, cell 713.408.7208 (new cell #, note Houston area code)
TEAM, PO Box 969, Wheaton, IL 60187, 800.343.3144 <www.team.org.tw/ccg>, <http://groups.google.com/group/TEAMspinella/>,
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu>, <lauraspinella@alumni.rice.edu>
