TEAMspinella: 2017

Saturday, October 21, 2017

[TEAMspinella] Flourishing is an art form

I'm 61 and Laura is a bit younger. We've now been doing "ministry" for the better part of 40 years. Somewhere along the way (maybe halfway through?) I started talking about staying, flourishing, and contributing--in that order. I've said it long enough and often enough it's even possible some day those words might come up at my funeral. (No plans just yet!) It would certainly be ironic if they were put on my gravestone--what exactly would that mean on a gravestone?! I guess I'd be staying anyway :-)

One thing I've revisited repeatedly is the question of why I do what I do (and why you do, too.) I find that motivation for yesterday doesn't quite cut it today. Things keep changing. What looked like flourishing at age 21 might look rather awkward at 41 or 61, and vice versa. So this fall I've been revisiting this once again.

I helped author a leadership development curriculum in my late 30s. At the time, the idea of finishing life well seemed rather remote. Sure I knew I could die anytime, but even my parents had lived to almost 60. Very few of my peers had died and even peak physical fitness seemed like it was still within easy reach if I just made it a priority. Now my co-authors are past retirement, my peers mostly share my graying and broadening, and physical impairment is at every hand. I've outlived my parents and I'm watching up close Laura's parents in their 80s. When discussions come up about trends and paradigm shifts I find myself thinking as much about how there is nothing new under the sun than about how important it is to catch the next wave. In fact, I'm not sure I'll still be around when the next wave passes. I'm fairly sure I won't be asked to lead the charge, like I once dreamed I would be.

Flourishing now means being authentic, compassionate, and calm alongside many younger brothers and sisters as well as a few old salts. It means humbly and patiently contributing alongside each person I can. It means loving and encouraging the weak, the suffering, and the conflicted, and celebrating others as they stay, flourish, and contribute. It also means making room for a few new adventures along the way, worrying less about how to make a difference and more focused on enjoying each day and each relationship as a good gift. And it means not judging myself by what I leave undone, but enjoying with gratitude what I actually do and who I actually am, as a good gift from a God who is not only mighty but also gentle.

Since I wrote you last, I had a great trip to Spain and Switzerland, where I got to participate in many good conversations and come alongside some great fellow pilgrims. A highlight was visiting my sister and her husband who have been staying...in Spain for many years. The elder in charge of their fellowship invited me to share in the weekly worship. It occurred to me that I could share stories about my sister that they would otherwise never hear. What fun! Laura and I also went together to a conference on "pastoral training for membercare."

So here's the pitch (and the prayer request): Our challenge is to flourish in exactly the situation we are in today, with all of its complications, unfinished challenges, distractions, frustrations, pains, and disappointments, as well as the opportunities, adventures, relationships, and joys.

In the One who keeps us,

Steve and Laura

PS If you are a man in international ministry or you know one, tell him about http://catalystintl.org/traction/. I very much enjoyed this blend of time with God, with other men, and in community. It provided the context from some really good conversations! And here is a link to pictures of a crazy adventure I participated in over against the advice of my saner side. Klettersteig Murren

Steve and Laura Spinella

US: 1930 Springcrest Rd, CO Springs 80920

mail: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Steve cell 719.355.4809, Laura cell 832.755.4261
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <

lauraspinella@gmail.com>

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Tuesday, September 12, 2017

[TEAMspinella] Like a hurricane

I leave in less than two days for a trip to Europe, primarily focused on men's ministry, so I thought about writing about the challenges of men in international ministry. But I doubt you would remember anything I said.

That's what a big hurricane does. It sucks all the heat out of the ocean, and sometimes all the water off the shore, and can set things spinning, jumping, blowing, crashing, and flooding. We have many friends, family, and ministry partners in the Houston area, including a partnering church whose facility was severely damaged by flood waters in Hurricane Harvey. We're thinking and praying for you, Bridgepoint Bible. While not everyone in Houston lost their home or car, many many people did including people we know and love.

Taiwan is located directly in the path of typhoons. (Typhoons are the same kind of storm as hurricanes, but on the other side of the world.) Before we experienced the huge earthquake in 1999, we had been through multiple typhoons. I remember taking my family across the street for a family Chinese lesson, only to realize on the way back that I could have lost a child (or myself) just while crossing the street. That definitely scared me. I had never seen winds like that. Later, as I drove out to TEAM's camp to help clean up, I remember seeing endless rows of uprooted trees along the streets of our city, and the many soldiers helping to clean up. Harvey, as you probably all know, was much worse for Houston because of the flooding.

When tragedy strikes a community, people ministering within that community can be more than doubly impacted. First, we may suffer along with everyone else. Second, as we come alongside others, we share in their suffering as well. Third, as relative outsiders in a community, we may not have the support networks that locals have to deal with crises, although we may sometimes be treated as honored guests.

But we also have some thing we can share. We all know about faith, hope, and love. Faith may allow us to see, and share, a bigger picture, in which our heavenly Father supplies all our needs. Hope may allow us to see, and share, a brighter future, in which the struggles, pain, and frustrations of our present world are overcome. Love may allow us to care for others without our own needs being met first, and to receive care from others without feeling conflicted.

In a hurricane, as in many other traumatic experiences, we may genuinely fear the loss of our lives or people and things we hold close to our hearts, and sometimes we do experience these losses. We never know when or how trauma will impact us, and there is no right or wrong way to show our feelings, or even right or wrong feelings to carry inside. One person may walk away from their flooded house with a smile, thankful to get out, while another walks away weighed down with the impact of life forever changed.

We do know that some things make trauma worse. These include being a child, suffering multiple traumas, suffering repeated traumas, and suffering extended trauma. We don't know what we don't know, and so it makes little sense to expect others or even ourselves to handle trauma any particular way. We do know that walking alongside others in difficult situations means accepting exactly where they are at and exactly how they feel about it, no matter how reasonable or unexpected this may be.

One thing I learned to like about typhoons was that they put everything else on hold (once I learned that lesson about respecting the storm!) These days people talk about our always on, always connected, always active world. If hurricanes and other traumas teach us to hold our expectations lightly and breathe deeply, that could be worth a lot. If I can apply this with airplane flights, schedules, traffic, investments, and world peace, I might even have room to walk alongside my brother or sister in their traumas, whatever they may be and however fast or slow they are coming.

Love in him who keeps us, Steve

PS In the next two weeks, I'll be trying to do some of this in Spain and Switzerland, leaving Laura here in Colorado to do some of this here, too. We don't like to be split up, but we've also enjoyed some good times together. I'll save news of that for another day, hopefully one without a hurricane.

Steve and Laura Spinella

US: 1930 Springcrest Rd, CO Springs 80920

mail: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Steve cell 719.355.4809, Laura cell 832.755.4261
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <

lauraspinella@gmail.com>

Saturday, July 01, 2017

[TEAMspinella] A Position on Transition or why I'm leaving Colorado for Ohio in the middle of July

When I came back to the US as a senior in high school, having left in seventh grade, I had no idea why I felt so adrift and alienated. Things have changed a good bit since then.

In fact, these days people who think that transitions between worlds aren't traumatic are akin to climate change deniers in some circles I travel in--they're out there, but they stand a bit apart from the other folks. (And this isn't about climate change or creation science, I'm just trying to relate this across worlds.)

Then there's the question of what you even do in a transition seminar...do you talk about practical adjustments, like android pay and depositing checks on your phone, or the theory of difference, like why the term "third culture kid" means anything or how to build relationships with people you secretly dismiss as so radically different you'll never be able to relate, or people who perhaps secretly dismiss you. Do you huddle up with other internationals and affirm your unique identities and commonalities, or do you shed your differences faster than a speeding jet? Or maybe you just learn to be like a rabbit at sunset, mainly freezing so you blend into the landscape, but occasionally running like crazy to get away from potentially difficult situations?

Would people be better off just hanging for two weeks with some locals or watching youtube videos online?

In spite of all these questions, or perhaps because of them, a group of returning young adults will be gathering in Ohio for two weeks, and I'll be leaving Laura et al behind to join them. We'll do some of the above. I understand that it's actually possible to have fun in Ohio in July, regardless of how many OH license plates I see in Colorado. One way of looking at it is that we orient adults and families in transitions to international ministry, and surely this transition is just as big. And of course lots of colleges have either optional or mandatory "orientations" for entering freshmen who aren't coming from other worlds, so it certainly seems reasonable that students coming internationally might benefit from some orientation particularly targeted toward them. It's part "debriefing" and part "think destination."

If you want to read more about it, try this link: http://www.barnabas.org/member-care/events/mk-transitional-seminar. I'll leave for Ohio Friday, after enjoying one of those quintessential American holidays known as "July 4th." Did you know Venezuelan independence day is "July 5th?" Pray for Venezuela, too, if you don't mind. BTW, they don't really celebrate it with firecrackers, but my last summer as an mk in Venezuela Richard and I went up on a mountain peak that hovered in the middle of the Caripe, Edo Monagas, valley, camped overnight, and set off cohetes, which are a very oversized version of bottle rockets. Yes, even though you travel between worlds, you might never forget, though some can and do block out the memories--probably one of those less recommended transition strategies.

All the best in your transitions, whatever they may be. Is it bothering you how long the days are right now? This really IS a non-issue in the tropics, I promise. Intercede for me. Even my late 20's kids groan at my humor, it could be grim in Ohio. As usual, though, I'll mainly be in search of a few more good conversations.

In him who keeps us, here, there, and everywhere,

Steve and Laura

PS Laura will stay behind, please lift up both of us. If you're wondering if I've ever participated in a transitions seminar before, yes, it was 1985 on the New Jersey shore with the guy who later wrote the book (literally.)

Steve and Laura Spinella

US: 1930 Springcrest Rd, CO Springs 80920

mail: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Steve cell 719.355.4809, Laura cell 832.755.4261
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <

lauraspinella@gmail.com>

Monday, June 05, 2017

[TEAMspinella] OR....

I'm writing you from Oregon today...that's the OR in the subject line.

We are enjoying coming alongside a couple who invited us to come "hang" with them for a time in what we are calling a "debriefing."

Debriefing can mean many things, but often these days ministry workers talk about debriefing as a time set aside to reflect on the personal impact of their experiences at a time of significant transition, or at least pause. One model for this is in a gathered group. We are exploring a different model--the just-in-time visit.

I believe the just-in-time visit can be a wonderful gift of coming alongside. Sometimes it works best for the debriefers to visit or vice versa, or even for both to gather at a neutral location (or perhaps a site healing in its own right!) In this context there is room for story to emerge at it's own pace in a gathering of fellow pilgrims with kindred hearts. We seek to listen well and resonate with the themes that have been embedded in a life well-lived (but not perfect) as well as the paradoxes and complications encountered along the way.

Coming alongside is not a "once-for-all" or even a "without-which-not" experience or passage, All the same, it can be a pleasant gift which refreshes along the way of a journey not yet done. (And yes, I've been cited already for over-using the word "journey!")!

Perhaps a second meaning for the land of "OR" could be that experience where we see things one way, but then we realize there are other perspectives as well, each with its own strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. That reminds me of what I do when I try to take pictures with my smartphone--a limited, but still interesting frame on the realities of life. And since we are in OR, how about if I send you one of those pictures which we took "along the way!"

In Him who keeps us, Steve and Laura

PS Don't discuss the meaning of this picture in this email with an English major or an artist...it's just a waterfall! (Silver Falls State Park, Upper South Falls)

Steve and Laura Spinella

US: 1930 Springcrest Rd, CO Springs 80920

mail: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Steve cell 719.355.4809, Laura cell 832.755.4261
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <

lauraspinella@gmail.com>

Monday, April 24, 2017

[TEAMspinella] Fwd: When death is on the line

On my trip to Africa I got to visit the National Museum of Antiquities in Cairo. Unfortunately when I was younger I took pride (always wrong) in squeezing maximum working value out of every trip (perhaps of some value, but not balanced.) In fact once, when I had returned to Taiwan, a friend asked me in an elevator, what are you especially wanting to see while you're back in Taiwan (or something like that), and I only came up with, "I'm just here to visit people." Since then, God has challenged me on that--of course I enjoyed things in Taiwan, whether as small as a favorite restaurant or a favorite bike route, which we did enjoy on that trip, or the chance to snorkel we didn't make time for.

So I saved a few bucks and flew back in the middle of the night from Cairo Sunday-Monday instead of trying to get out sooner, and there I was by myself for a whole day in the middle of one of the world's great cities, with arguably the world's oldest collection of antiquities.

The newest things in the huge collection dated from about the time of Christ! One of my favorites was an actual ancient chariot. (There were four on display from King Tut's tomb.) The chariots of ancient Egypt were famous. In the Bible they were first mentioned in Genesis 50:4, and Solomon had a large collection (2 Chronicles 1:14). As an erstwhile cyclist, I could see how fast they were, and what game changers they would have been in a world where everyone walked.

At Easter, we talk about being wrapped in linen and laid in a tomb. I saw bodies preserved like this--using 300 meters of linen cloth for one body! For me it definitely brought history alive--and reminded me of how small a fraction of history we occupy.

As I try to somehow reflect on a trip (well, actually two trips since I wrote last), and on our life apart from the trips, these images of lives and deaths linger in my mind (as well as many bad puns, but that's another story.) Life is like that, we laugh, we cry, we live, and we die. It is the receiving and losing of meaningful relationships that occupies so much of our lives, and in the conversations we have, like the museum of antiquites, it is the joys and sorrows of those relationships that matter so much.

What I saw in that museum was almost all there after so many years because people wanted to preserve and remember, in monuments and tombs, what they considered great and valuable. Of course, it doesn't look now like they imagined it might. The rock King Darius used to commemorate his great triumphs and world conquest sits unread by people who (I assume) mainly think, "Wow, that's an old rock, and what a lot of work to make all those marks on it." The tomb of King Tut (the one not raided long ago for its treasures) now sits disassembled with not only the items on display, but also the coffins opened. For some of Egypt's greatest, like King Ramses II, even their linen wrapped skeletons sit in clear plexiglass boxes for any tourist from across the world who pays the cost of a meal to wander by and gaze upon. These mummies had originally been encased in multiple ornate coffins, one outside the next, then placed in ornate gold-plated or stone boxes, with organs just as carefully preserved separately, and ceremoniously buried in monuments so big that these pyramids still remain as wonders of the ancient world. Yet all this is now just an exhibit for tourists, students, and historians.

Back home, we are reminded as we walk alongside Laura's parents as they age, that even long life is mortal (and they've outlived all the Pharoahs in the museum!) Our goal is to make each day a good one, as God gives us grace.

And perhaps, alongside this travel snippet, that is something we can take away--for us to make each day a good day, as God gives grace, for ourselves and for others.

I'll attach two pictures--pyramids and the sphinx, as seen from the nearest Pizza Hut, and a chariot, that hasn't been used for thousands of years. Well, okay, since you might be interested, here is a link to the hundreds of pictures I took at the museum. After all, pictures in a museum can be shared freely--I even paid $5 extra for a photography pass! But seriously, may you find joy in your journey, wherever it takes you today, and comfort, for those burdens that are challenging or even impossible to carry.

Steve and Laura

PS It was a week later that some Egyptians lost their lives as they worshiped on Palm Sunday. I am grateful that I was kept safe in my journeys, but grieve with those for whom that has not been true.

Steve and Laura Spinella

US: 1930 Springcrest Rd, CO Springs 80920

mail: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Steve cell 719.355.4809, Laura cell 832.755.4261
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <

lauraspinella@gmail.com>

Saturday, March 04, 2017

[TEAMspinella] Stress, Acute, PTSD, and Compassion Fatigue

Today I wrote a fellow partner in the journey the thoughts below about stress, and I thought I would pass them on to you. Warning--if you are too stressed, just skip it, or read a little, wait a little, or whatever works for you. Actually I know most people don't read a long email like this anyway. It's okay!

I do have a trip coming up, without Laura, to a country I have not yet visited, which has had its share of problems in recent years. I'd prefer not to mention the name. I hope to be present alongside a great group of people who are living, to a greater or lesser extent, the sort of things I write about below. Anyway, please remember us, and if you're interested in stress, ptsd, and/or compassion fatigue, feel free to read further!

While there are different triggers, stresses tend to end up impacting people, so it kind of all piles into the same piles, different as well depending on the person. Some of the best resources are those developed by the Veterans Affairs department of my local host country here, so that's always a great place to begin looking online, and especially for material relating to conflict zones.

There are three overlapping things you

may be

thinking about, as I put in the subject line:

Acute stress, which is what we feel in the presence of stressors and within the six months after, is that experience of having our normal coping strategies overwhelmed. The most helpful interventions usually involve coming alongside and normalizing that, whatever the reaction or symptoms, there is no normal in a totally abnormal situation, so there is no wrong response. Acutely stressed people are not crazy, and even if they

(we)

are, we

(you)

can't tell very well during the acute time frame.

Post-traumatic stress, including PTSD, which is within a larger range of PTS reactions, is what we deal with when we have been through acute stress and are either continuing to recover or (PTSD fits here) stuck somewhere along the way and not really recovering. Here helpful interventions involve connecting thoughts with triggers and "unmediated" reactions, making sense of our journey, and gaining some perspective. (EMDR and healing pr

er both fit here.) Distinguishing between "normal" post-traumatic stress and PTSD involves tracking stressors, response patterns, and comparing progress (or lack thereof) to expected ("normal") patterns and progressions. One of the key insights we can all have is that stress has a much longer tail and lifecycle than we tend to expect. If "life

s on the line," (quote from Princess Bride, I think,) then the "normal" healing journey is 3-5 years, not 3-5 months, etc. So

we can easily allow

6 months for acute stress, then 6 YEARS for post-traumatic stress,

just

a bit longer than the "normal, uncomplicated" time frame. People

may

think "PTS

isorder

" way too soon and way too widely. And where there are complications--multiple traumas, either over time, in multiple domains,

with children or families,

or in our personal histories--"normal" gets extended and complicated, not simplified or

shortened

. I.e., if Jesus sweat blood, why should I expect not to sweat at all? Or to forget about it?!

3. C

ompassion fatigue, or caregiver stress, is that part of the stress we pick up when we come alongside stressed (traumatized) people in a caring and empathetic way. True compassion costs us something, and sometimes a lot. It's easy to underestimate this impact. It operates independently of our enthusiasm for helping. In fact, the most passionate caregivers can be the most deeply impacted. This is true both during the acute phase and the post-... phase. Even today I have been touched by memories from early days in Taiwan (20 years ago) that still can be triggered

at any time, by fairly minor connections

. This is a lasting cost of compassionate ministry and coming alongside

. We may

find it hard to make room for

this

, and it exists right alongside our continuing and growing capacity to come alongside others. Factors to consider as well, I think, are that the more we identify (or resonate) with those we come alongside and the more deeply we come alongside (or do life together), the greater the potential for this kind of burden.

Here are two things I keep going back to:

"Containment, containment, containment"--like the "three rules of real estate--location, location, location", the three rules of dealing with trauma might be "containment, containment, containment." We can't undo trauma, but we can learn ways to limit it's globalization (affecting all of life), it's primacy (freeze, fight, or flight), and it's unmediated

impact

(raw, gut level, startle response

) One of the important things as a caregiver is leaving people we process with more capable and well-contained--not less. Especially when entering an acute trauma zone from outside, it is easy to forget this. Processing, remembering, and reliving are not always healing, and we must be careful not to make trauma worse by our coming alongside, especially in the acute phase. It's much better to be a passive or even ineffective presence than someone actively contributing to the damage (God forbid!)

Second, "normalizing" doesn't mean pretending nothing has happened, although even this could be a primitive form of effective coping especially in the immediate aftermath. Instead, "normalizing" refers more broadly and constructively to coming alongside people in a way that they come to view their responses to overwhelming events in a more thoughtful, coherent (contained) way. "I thought I was going to die, now I can't relax." Well, that makes a lot of sense. Relaxing would seem rather weird in this situation, wouldn't it. "I saw someone die, now I am always on my guard." Well, yeah! "Someone died or could have died and I didn't see it coming, now I am always skeptical about safety." Etc., etc. Normalizing means acknowledging that all these things have histories, reasons, connections in the brain, soul, and heart, and parts in the plan of the Father, which doesn't mean we need to like it, want it, or take it in stride.

When my parents were both dying of terminal diseases, I would talk to them and then think, given what they are facing, they seem to be doing extremely well. That's normalizing, not telling them they need to get over it (not be affected), be delivered from it (constantly believe God is about to heal them or has already done so), or see it as part of God's larger plan (just because he has a plan, doesn't mean I've signed off on it or can even tell that it's there.)

Well, I've probably said far too much. After all, people dealing with overwhelming things don't have a lot of available mind space for reflection! Still, here it is, may the Father use it for good, one way or another.

In him who keeps us, Steve

PS I

t also can't hurt to remember that when we are stressed, we tend to expect more of ourselves and of those close to us, even though logically we should probably expect the opposite!

Steve and Laura Spinella

US: 1930 Springcrest Rd, CO Springs 80920

mail: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920

Steve cell 719.355.4809, Laura cell 832.755.4261
<spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <

lauraspinella@gmail.com>