Do you ever have a situation that you've been involved in play back in your head?
For me, those are often situations where I felt trapped, conflicted, or otherwise stuck, and I did something that didn't work out too well. Actually, I did something or didn't do something that worked out badly. Actually I may not know what went wrong, I certainly don't know what everyone else involved was thinking, but I have a pretty strong suspicion that I did not handle the situation well. In fact, I did wrong.
At this point, I face a choice. What shall I do now? Often my response has been to do nothing. Yes, I feel bad. Yes, I was often frustrated or angry at the time. Many times I can identify external or internal factors that made that situation hard for me. Still, the bottom line is that I replay the situation because I don't feel good about what I did, not because of those external or internal factors.
Sometimes I have even apologized or asked for forgiveness while internally remaining angry or blaming toward others. I doubt that works well for those who have received my apologies, no matter how well worded. I know it doesn't work well for me. Why do I know it doesn't work well? Because I still replay the situations over again, looking for something....
From where I sit now, at least most of the time, that something is repentance. Regret. Remorse. Acknowledgement I blew it. And when I get to that point, then I also have to ask myself what I should do about it now. First I could do something to acknowledge this to my father (see PS) and to another human being. But I also need to ask myself what prevents me from going to those I can and making amends when that is possible without doing further harm.
There are several things that prevent me from doing that. One is pride. It is humbling to go back to people who may already be upset or alienated and reminding them of a moment about which I've already figured out I don't feel good about. A second is desperation. How will I ever finish such a task? Once I start remembering things like this, what else will I remember? (I could go on, but I think you can probably follow my drift.)
Anyway, that is the stage I'm at in my restoration journey these days. I'm actively seeking out at least some of the people who I may have hurt and sharing my regret for those hurts, accepting responsibility for specific offenses on my part when I am able to see those. And by the way, if you're waiting for me to get to you or someone you know, would you tell me about it? I would like to know, though I may find it hard to listen, and not hearing about it won't really help me out much in the long run :-)
While I'm thinking of it, let me run the link to that feedback survey where anyone can give me anonymous feedback of any kind you'd like...
With love from the far side, Steve and Laura
PS When I am writing something that goes out to many people (and lingers around on the internet for who knows how long,) I try to avoid using specialized vocabulary that goes with my heart in an effort to avoid automated search engines and so forth. I'm not trying to hide my convictions. Anybody who actually reads what I write will get those quick enough. If you will, think of it as akin to those inane letters or numbers you have to type when you put a comment up on the web. I know that my little workarounds may not be of any great value, but I'm still doing it. Especially if my alternate language about matters of the heart happens to rub you the wrong way, please forgive me. And if anything I say has hit you wrong for any reason, I'd be grateful to hear about it.
PS When I am writing something that goes out to many people (and lingers around on the internet for who knows how long,) I try to avoid using specialized vocabulary that goes with my heart in an effort to avoid automated search engines and so forth. I'm not trying to hide my convictions. Anybody who actually reads what I write will get those quick enough. If you will, think of it as akin to those inane letters or numbers you have to type when you put a comment up on the web. I know that my little workarounds may not be of any great value, but I'm still doing it. Especially if my alternate language about matters of the heart happens to rub you the wrong way, please forgive me. And if anything I say has hit you wrong for any reason, I'd be grateful to hear about it.
Dr. Steve and Laura Spinella, Sarah, Joey, Robby
Da Yi Street, Lane 29, #18, 2F-1, Taichung 404, TAIWAN
011 886 4 2236-6145, wk 2236-1901, fx 2236-2109, cell 9 2894-0514
USA: 9685 Otero Ave, Colorado Springs, CO 80920, 719.528.1702, cell 719.355.4809
TEAM, PO Box 969, Wheaton, IL 60187, 800 343-3144
<www.team.org.tw/spinella>, <www.team.org.tw/ccg> <spinella@alumni.rice.edu> <lauraspinella@alumni.rice.edu>
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